Alabama Air Medical Crash

3 colleagues and members of my EMS family were killed early yesterday in the line of duty while on a search and rescue mission.

You can read articles about this:

Flight Web

ABC Huntsville

News Channel 19

God Speed Michael, Tiffany, and Allan. Thank you for your sacrifices to your community. Your lives lost will not be in vain and you will not be forgotten.

Please keep these families in your thoughts and prayers.

You may post messages of condolences and sympathy to the families and coworkers here:

Condolence Book

This book is usually up for about a week, so don't delay if you'd like to offer your support.

Assisting the Public?

She was 90 something years old and we were dispatched because she fell.

Her house was like this amazing travel through time and a huge lesson in hoarding. I swear this lady NEVER through anything away. Please let me tell you some of the things that I found while poking around her house:

Plastic bags--the grocery store kind
Ok, so it's one thing to save to Walmart bags to use as trash bags or to carry your lunch to and from work. However, there were literally 50 years of plastic bags in this house and everything was stored in plastic, EVERYTHING....There were bags of bags hanging from the door jambs, the refrigerator door handle, the spindles for the kitchen chair backs, and her walker.

Prescription bottles
It's one thing to save a bottle or two for various things around the house. I've used them for storing nuts and bolts in my workshop before. It's totally another thing to have the past 30 years worth of empty prescription bottles in bags sitting around the house. EMPTY. With the labels still attached on some of them.

Take out food containers
About a hundred of them. Sitting on top of the refrigerator in the basement (Florida room?), towering stacks of them that threatened to fall like the leaning tower of Pisa.

Magazines
Hundreds of them, varying titles from the past 10 years, at least.

The woman had so much stuff in her house that she had made a path just wide enough to fit her walker through. It was amazing to see. I don't ever want to end up like that, seeing that old woman's house made me want to go home and clean up my own house, clearing out the clutter and purging things that I had been holding onto "just in case".

Merry Freaking Christmas

So Christmas is not coming to my house this year. My tree is in the basement, the lights are still in the boxes. I didn't even open the ornament holder. My family is far across the country this year as they have been for the past 6 years. I sent out about half my holiday cards but have no desire to send the rest. I'll get to them sometime in January I guess.

I bought Christmas presents for my Mom, a friend, my Captain, and my brother. I didn't know what to get my Dad so I didn't get him anything.

I change the radio station when a Christmasy song is played. I've been watching the holiday and Christmas movies on Lifetime when nothing else is on, but I just have no holiday spirit this year. I have received a few Christmas presents in the mail, wrapped all pretty. They are still in the box because I don't even have the desire to open them. I'll do it on Christmas, I guess. I tried this year, but it just wouldn't come to me.

I don't feel like celebrating this year. It's hard to celebrate when you feel like you're losing everything. I know that this slump won't last forever, but I hate feeling this way. I just want to be back into the rhythm of life. I think I may walk to church tomorrow night. I have nothing else to do and I always loved Christmas Eve services. Maybe it will help me refresh my mind and remember what this season is truly about.

I used to love Christmas, when I wasn't alone. I went all out with a tree, lights, ornaments. Wrapped presents under the tree, holiday scented candles, cheery music on the radio; the whole 9 yards. There is no one here to appreciate it except me, and I frankly don't care this year.

I'll be back to my regular blogging about gross paramedic stuff after the holidays are over, I promise. Until then, you get the randomness of my daily thoughts.

Merry Freaking Christmas everyone!

10 Random Facts EMS Style

Well, I tried to keep it in the EMS style but it was HARD!!! Now it's your turn. How would you answer these questions?

10 RANDOM FACTS
1. I prefer text messaging to voicemail.
2. I multi task well.
3. I can get orders for just about anything from Dr. L.
4. I love my firefighters, I'd do anything for them.
5. I make the cot the same way every single time. I even go out of my way to fix it.
6. I crank up the stereo on the way to calls, especially bad ones.
7. I can see through most drug seekers.
8. I hate cheesy medical drama shows, but I still watch them anyways.
9. I hate working with incompetent people.
10. I don't like fake people.

9 WAYS TO WIN MY HEART
1. Offer to help lift the cot.
2. Bring me coffee, it is the liquid of life!
3. Understand that I don't wake up until about 10 AM.
4. Know when I need you to just listen.
5. Hold me while I cry about a patient that I lost after trying hard to save them.
6. Ask when you don't know how to do something, I promise that I won't get mad.
7. Tell me the truth, even if it's not what I want to hear.
8. Offer to be take the groping old man so I don't have to.
9. Call me and let me know that you are there for me.

8 THINGS I CARRY EVERYDAY
1. Cell Phone
2. Stethoscope
3. ID Badge
4. Wallet
5. My coupon binder
6. Diet Coke
7. Travel Coffee Mug with lots of coffee
8. Glasses

7 THINGS THAT ANNOY ME
1. Backstabbers
2. Ignorance
3. Unemployment
4. People who interrupt me
5. Being so far away from my family
6. Not knowing who to trust
7. Short people with a complex

6 STATES I'VE VISITED
1. California
2. Arizona
3. Florida
4. Minnesota
5. Illinois
6. Michigan

5 THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE
1. Be debt free
2. Become a flight medic
3. Be respected in my field
4. Go back to school and finish my degree
5. Organize my life

4 THINGS I'M AFRAID OF
1. Failing at life and love
2. Being alone for the rest of my life
3. Making mistakes
4. Hurting those I love

3 THINGS I DO EVERYDAY
1. Send and receive Email
2. Try to thank God for the blessings that I have
3. Write

2 THINGS I'M TRYING NOT TO DO NOW
1. Let my current situation get me down
2. Get depressed

1 PERSON I WANT TO SEE NOW
1. My Mom. Or my Mamas. You know who you ladies are.

Nifty little web based toy

I found this on another blogger's blog site:

My Mini City

It is so cool! Kinda like the sim games that were popular in the 90's, although much more simplistic and not as complicated. So you click on the link and it takes you to my online mini city, "Deeville". Each time someone clicks on the link, it adds a new resident to the population and eventually your people get jobs and families and it looks neat.

Yes, I know that this has nothing to do with being a paramedic but I needed a little humor in my life and I thought that this was cool.

Plus, it's my damn blog. I can write about whatever I want to....

What is the definition of Emergency?

It is not:

A stubbed toe
A sore throat that you've had for 3 weeks
A cough you've had for a month
Anything that you've had for 2 weeks and not seen a doctor for
A dramatic panic attack


I know that sometimes it's hard to know when you're in the middle of something to make a decision whether to call an ambulance or not. So we wouldn't get mad if you try to use good judgment. If you ask, though we'll tell you that your insurance will NOT pay for a trip to the ER via ambulance for a stubbed toe. As unfortunate as it is, you could *gasp* drive yourself, or have someone take you. And in all reality, an isolated stubbed toe doesn't warrant a trip to the ER.

It's not that we don't want you to suffer or not use the 911 system if you need us. After all, that is what we are there for. But know that there is a finite amount of resources in your area and if we are picking up up for your stubbed toe, the person across town having a heart attack may have to wait for another ambulance to get there. And it may be too long.

Well, gosh. What a day.

Not so good things happened today. For several reasons, I really can't post them here on a open forum. So I'll yak about something else....

When did it become ok to mow down and trample all over someone else to get ahead in this world? When did it become acceptable to beat someone down and suppress their rights to feel good about yourself?

We have certain rights afforded to us by brave men and women who have died for us to have the freedom to say what we want to, burn the American Flag, join unions, own guns, disagree with our government, vote, and observe any religion that we so choose. Why do we still have to fight for these rights. It's friggin' 2008 (almost)!

Let me live my life anyway I choose as long as I am not breaking the law.

I hate when bullies win--even if it's a temporary win. Especially when they are short.

Have a safe night.

A little update on me

I know that I haven't posted in a few days. Things have been so crazy at work. I really hate when my rights are trampled all over, especially by people who think that they are better than everyone.

I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow. I can't really talk about it because of potential legal action but this may affect my entire life.

So, tonight as we barrel head first towards the holidays, remember those less fortunate. Help someone across the street. Open the door for someone. Smile. Be kind to those that you interact with because everyone is fighting their own battles.

Have a wonderful night.

Things I learned from watching CSPAN

In support of my union and my public sector firefighter/ems brothers and sisters throughout the nation, I watched the Senate proceedings on CSPAN2 yesterday. And let me first say that I didn't realize how much "hurry up and wait" there was involved in our US Government.

I've learned a lot in the process of becoming first a union member and then a union officer. The number one thing that I learned was 'xactly how little I know about local, state, and federal politics. But I did learn what the definitions of quorum call, a cloture vote, and filibuster. (google is your friend!)

You see, an important piece of legislation was scheduled to be voted on last night by the US Senate. This legislation was tremendously important to public safety professionals and would have guaranteed your public safety servants the right to collectively bargain with their employers on issues directly related to their pay and benefits, working conditions, and safety concerns. These basic labor rights are already afforded to most private sector employees. Currently, about half of the states don't have any form of collective bargaining legislation.

Somehow this bill was attached into an amendment and hitched to the 2007 Farm Bill....I don't know why and I don't know how. All I know is that is was a close vote and we lost because of some devious stalling techniques designed to make this bill fail. In an extremely disappointing move, the authors of the bill decided to withdraw the amendment. They will strive to get this passed after the new year.

If you care about your local firefighter and EMS providers, please call your senators and urge them to support Senate bill 2123, the Public Safety Employer-Employee Cooperation Act. Many of your providers have little to no say in their working conditions and are forced to work under less than ideal circumstances. Many don't have proper safety equipment or training and are understaffed and underpaid. Many don't have the privilege to shed light on their workplace issues for fear of retaliation or termination.

You can read more about this bill here and here.

You can call the Senatorial Switchboard at 1-202-224-3121 Tell them what state you live in and they will connect you to your senator. This is especially important if your senator(s) are not listed as a co-sponsor of this bill as listed below:

Sen Bayh, Evan [IN]
Sen Biden, Joseph R., Jr. [DE]
Sen Brown, Sherrod [OH]
Sen Clinton, Hillary Rodham [NY]
Sen Coleman, Norm [MN]
Sen Collins, Susan M. [ME]
Sen Dodd, Christopher J. [CT]
Sen Domenici, Pete V. [NM]
Sen Durbin, Richard [IL]
Sen Gregg, Judd [NH] {Sponsor}
Sen Harkin, Tom [IA]
Sen Kennedy, Edward M. [MA]
Sen Lieberman, Joseph I. [CT]
Sen Lincoln, Blanche L. [AR]
Sen Martinez, Mel [FL]
Sen Menendez, Robert [NJ]
Sen Mikulski, Barbara A. [MD]
Sen Murkowski, Lisa [AK]
Sen Murray, Patty [WA]
Sen Obama, Barack [IL]
Sen Pryor, Mark L. [AR]
Sen Sanders, Bernard [VT]
Sen Smith, Gordon H. [OR]
Sen Snowe, Olympia J. [ME]
Sen Specter, Arlen [PA]
Sen Stabenow, Debbie [MI]
Sen Stevens, Ted [AK]
Sen Sununu, John E. [NH]

You can also use this page to find your senator's website and send him/her a message requesting their support.

Please support the effort for fair and equal representation for your public safety professionals who place their lives on the line daily to keep your families safe today and every day.

Here's your sign...

It sounded like a dying camel. We could hear it from the front porch. My partner and I looked at each other with quizzical expressions on our faces.

The lady was rolling around on the ground in a t shirt, her underwear, and socks. The animal noises were coming from deep in her throat. Her family members were standing around in tears, looking bewildered.

"What happened?" I asked.

The family told us that the pt had been using a steamer machine to remove wallpaper when it began to leak. She knelt down to open the lid and it flew off, spewing hot water and steam everywhere. She ripped her jeans off and had been screaming in pain and agony ever since then.

"Let me look." I begged her. She continued to scream and hyperventilate. My partner finally grabbed her face with his hands and sternly to her to calm down. He made eye contact with her and told her that he knew she was hurting and in pain but we needed her to calm down a little bit so that we could help her.

Her leg was burned badly. There were several areas that were full thickness, the rest partial thickness burns. That's new terminology for 2nd and 3rd degree burns. The skin was peeling and sloughing off and you could tell that the one leg was already so much more swollen than the other.

"Ma'am, you have to calm down. Take slow deep breaths. Help us to help you", I said.

We helped her to the cot and got her prepared for transport. She couldn't sit still and I was worried about her tipping us off balance and potentially injuring one of the 3 of us.

"Medic xyz to dispatch"

"Go ahead, medic xyz"

"Dispatch, you're going to have to send us some help here"

"10-4 medic xyz, I'll get anytown fire department en route"

They should have been sent anyway, but that is beside the point. Sometimes we have glitches in the mutual aid agreement---that's the subject of another blog entirely.

So, we get the pt loaded in the back of the truck. My partner got her vitals, obtained IV access, and started to provide wound care.

The Anytown firefighters stuck their head in both doors and asked what we needed.

"I think we're ok back here, can you just drive us in?" I asked.

"Sure thing! Whatever you need."

I got her 10 mg of Morphine and told her to let me know if she started to feel sick to her stomach, I'd get her some phenergan too.

We wrapped her leg in a sterile burn sheet and began irrigating it. The relief was instantaneous---the cool sterile water combined with the morphine gave her some measure of distraction from the intense pain.

"You're an angel", she said to me. "And you're not too bad yourself", she said to my partner.

I notified the ED of her status by radio and we rigged up a continuous drip for irrigation with an IV bag and a 16 gauge catheter. Just before we got to the ED, I gave her another 10 mg of Morphine.

We got her inside and I gave report to the RN who would be taking care of her.

I called later to the ED and they said she had been sent home, to follow up in the morning with the local burn clinic.

Folks, please don't open a pressurized cap until it has cooled off. Serious injuries, burns, loss of life, and incredible pain can result. It is pressurized for a reason and the liquid inside is is generally very hot. This includes radiator caps, small household appliances, and other tools.

Happy Holidays.

A wonderful blog I found the other day. Those who are in the medical field will surely appreciate the descriptions about family members.

How will you change the world?

It was a huge package that I received in the mail today. With trepidation and excitement, I opened the end of the shipping envelope and took the contents out.

FedEx Express Shipping Envelopes and a FedEx Air Bill, 2 small boxes with vials nestled in protective styro-foam homes, and a thick packet with questionnaires and informational brochures.

Gulp! Am I really ready for this?

Let me rewind a little bit. My friend that passed away in August from Melanoma blogged about her experiences using a site called caring bridge. This site is available to patients and faimly members who are undergoing significant medical concerns. The idea is that a serious injury or illness is draining emotionally, physically, financially, and mentally on the patient and their caregivers. This site is supported by medical facilities and private donations and allows the user to have a site where they can post updates and friends and families can post messages of support.

My friend lost her battle with malignant melanoma but her children (14 months, 4, and 5 at the time of her death) will be able to see the testament of their mother's spirit and will be able to see how hard she fought to live and to be around for them. Even though the youngest will likely not remember his mother, Nathan will be able to see just how much his mother was loved and supported and how many lives she changed during her short 31 years on this earth.

You can read about Amber's journey here.

But I digress. In the 16 months of Amber's fight, people from all over the USA and internationally signed Amber's guest book. Many were family and friends or friends of friends. There was a small percentage of folks who were directed to her site by the owner or visitor of another caring bridge site. These people would link their sites in their guest book post so that others could visit that page and offer support. You could literally spend hours surfing through the caring bridge site, hopping from one to another.

It was through Amber's site and another site that I frequent that I found Dominik.

Dominik is 2 1/2 and was born 12 weeks early due to kidney failure. He received a kidney from his mother on April 24th, 2007 and rejected the organ a month later. Obviously she can't give her other kidney and no one else in the family was an appropriate match.

They've made their plea very public. Dom has type A blood (which is good--it's a common blood type) but the difficulties lay in the high levels of antibodies from his rejection earlier this year. Currently, he is staying at the Ronald McDonald house with his mother where he is close to his medical team and receiving hemodialysis several times a week.

Enter Fairview Medical Center in Minneapolis, MN. The transplant center has been overwhelmed with inquiries regarding living kidney donation, including mine. But it isn't enough yet because a match hasn't been found for little Dominik yet.

I don't kid myself. I know that the chances that I'll match him are so slim that I'm really not even worried about "what if". I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. If I come to it...

I've already discussed organ donation with my family and I've been registered through the Motor Vehicle Department since I've had a driver's license. You can't take anything with you when you die, and your organs can help so many people have healthier and happier lives, free from the daily worry about the hourglass running out of time.

The beautiful thing is that you no longer have to wait until death to make a difference in someone's life. You can donate blood, plasma, platelets, bone marrow, kidneys, part of your liver, lungs, etc all before you die. All it takes is knowing a little information and knowing who to contact.

So, I will go to the lab on Monday morning and have my blood drawn to be sent back to Minneapolis for testing. And then I'll wait for the results.

Please consider being a living donor. Your gift of life will change the life of someone in this world.

Organ Transplantation by the Number:
-data taken from the UNOS website-

		Waiting list candidates	98,080	as of today 4:16pm
		Transplants January - September 2007	21,401	as of 11/30/2007
		Donors January - September 2007	10,847	as of 11/30/2007

Take 5....Tag you're it!

5 things found in my purse
Stethoscope, calendar-planner, industrial sized bottle of Ibuprofen, glasses, ink pen

5 things found in my wallet
Driver's License, state Paramedic License and all the ABC certs (CPR, PALS, NRP, ACLS, etc), health insurance card, medic alert card, money (credit card/cash)

5 things found in my room
In my living room currently:
Laptop, cats, cell phone, piles of mail and other paperwork I desperately need to go through, coffee cup with the liquid of life in it

5 things I've always wanted to do
Learn photography, have enough time to organize my house, volunteer more, learn about our county and state politics, begin an intensive paramedic review--for personal reasons

5 things I'm currently into
Trying to stay warm during the winter, learning about blogging and trying to grasp HTML, serving my coworkers as our Local's Union President, attempting to get motivated, looking hard at my life to see where I royally f$#%ed up.


Feel free to steal this and add it to your own blog with your top 5.

The nightmares have returned

I've passed the spot where you died 7 times today. I can't avoid it when I'm up at this station. I try not to think about it but seeing the places in the asphalt where parts of your vehicle violently gouged lines in the ground as they twisted and flew through the air. I try not to remember the bruising left on the roadway from all the fluids brings back that day fresh in my mind. I pretend that I don't see the permanently-burned-into-the-asphalt rubber marks from where your tires were drug across the roadway. Unsuccessfully, I try to block out the sounds, sights, and the smells from that day that seem so fresh in my mind.

I wonder what would have happened if I could have saved you. Could we have gotten you extricated from the tangled metal fast enough to make a difference? What kind of quality of life would you have? And the simple fact that it took the Fire Department over 2 hours to extricate your body after the investigation was complete doesn't lessen the guilty feeling that I have. We SHOULD have been able to do something.

I see your face--what was left of it--twisted in agony and I know in my heart that you did not go peacefully. I know that you suffered and only hope that you were already unconscious when the dump truck barrelled down on you at 65 miles per hours. Every time I've closed my eyes today, I see the scene from on onlookers point of view. It's like hitting the replay button on the DVD and watching it from a disembodied distance. Almost as if I was a spectator and not the one to pronounce your lifeless body, broken and bloodied, dead.

I anxiously wait for the dreams to come tonight, knowing that by the time I am fully awake they will have turned into nightmares.

Your blank stare, the stare of death and agony, will haunt my days and interrupt my nights for the rest of my life.

Rest in peace.

"I don't have any insurance"

The man was sitting in his car after just having falling in a public parking lot. The bones in his arm were obviously shattered and it was clear that he was in a severe amount of pain.

"Let us take you to the hospital", I pleaded.

"No I can't", said the man.

"Why not?" I asked.

"Because I don't have any insurance" he said.

The sad fact of life is that millions of Americans are uninsured and don't have any health insurance. Even worse is that they let that fact dictate whether or not the seek medical care and/or treatment.

In my career, I've run into multitudes of people who have no insurance and clearly are in need of medical care. Their problems run the gamut from injuries they've sustained in motor vehicle accidents, broken bones, heart attacks, diabetic problems, chronic pain, and various other ailments.

These folks my heart goes out to because I've walked miles in their shoes. And I beg them not to allow their financial situations dictate if they get care or not, especially if they truly need it. I tell them that we take payments and will work things out with them. I tell them that the hospitals will accept as little a $5 a month as long as they pay something. I appeal to their sense of gloom and doom and will just about do anything to encourage them to go.

Sometimes it works....Sometimes it doesn't.

Then there are the folks who are on state medical aid and think that their state medical card is like a taxi voucher. They think that every time they need to go to the doctor, it necessitates a trip via an ambulance to the local ED. I still work in a system that practices "you call, we haul". Whether or not the person truly needs ambulance transportation, we can not refuse to take them.

Stubbed toe? Hop in!

Nasty pimple on your face? Hop in!

Cut on your finger? Hop in!

Before I get more nasty emails, let me first say that we shouldn't be denying people medical care at all. However, there is a better way for utilizing emergency services so that a Paramedic staffed ambulance is available to the people that truly need it. I can't tell you how many times I've been on a call with someone who didn't need transport by ambulance and had alternate means to get a doctor's office or the ED and the standby unit has been called to an active MI or cardiac arrest, or a major traumatic incident and we couldn't leave the patient with a stubbed toe.

That is so frustrating to me. Knowing that we could potentially save someone's life, someone who truly needs medical care and we are tied up with someone who is too lazy to get their spouse to drive them to the hospital.

And to have someone refuse medical care or transportation simply because they don't have insurance is ludicris. If I'm having a heart attack, I'm getting care regardless of my insurance status. I'll worry about the bill later, when I'm healthy and back on my feet. I've walked down that path before. I was hospitalized a number of years ago for almost 9 days and I didn't have insurance. I wound up without a diagnosis AND nearly $75,000 in medical bills. Thank GOD for medi-cal. They paid retroactive for the month and my portion was $400. But you see, my health is more important. I'll get the care that I need and I'll worry about the finances later.

The man I had the above conversation with? He finally agreed to go, fractured arm and all. I'd like to say that my sweet nature and caring attitude convinced him to go. I'd love to take the credit for it. But I can't. No, the credit rests solely in the hands of my dear friend, Morphine Sulfate. It's a beautiful thing, those pain meds.

"Come with me, sir. We have pain medicine. I'll make sure you are comfortable."

After all, isn't that our job? Relieving suffering and treating pain? Tending to the souls of our patients?

Be safe out there. And please, get medical insurance if it's available to you. I don't like to beg so please don't make me.

To the Anonymous Commenter....

How dare you question my writing and not have the guts to reveal who you are.

Since you feel like you need to nitpick and judge me and my personal thoughts, I'll respond to every single one of your "concerns" in public.....I don't need to hide behind "anonymous".

Anonymous said...

"I found this via a friend who frequents BBC and after reading these two lines I just had to say something.

"Thankfully, I didn't have to do anything really..."

"I don't really feel much like working today..."

I would hate to be the person who burdens you with my car accident when I have three kids and we all need calming down. And if you don't feel like working- you shouldn't! After all, when people need help but you just don't feel like it, why bother? And don't you worry- I'll drive safe because if I get into an accident I can not trust that you will want to save me (even though that is your job)!"
04 December, 2007 12:06


First of all, did you ever stop to consider that perhaps I was thankful that I didn't have to do anything at the wreck because NO ONE WAS SERIOUSLY INJURED?

Do you not think that I've seen enough children's brains splattered over the roadway, their lives cut way too short?

Or children who have lost an extremity?

Children who have suffered traumatic brain injuries because their parent chose to drive under the influence and didn't buckle them in properly?

Do you not think that I've seen one too many children whose parents have rolled over on them in the middle of the night while co-sleeping and suffocated them?

I've done CPR on far too many precious little children. I've pronounced too many babies dead.

So yes, I have earned the right to say that I am thankful I didn't need to do much more than try to calm down Mom and the children.

If further treatment had been needed, you bet your critically judgmental arse that I would have done everything in my power to have saved the lives of those children and/or their mother.

After triaging all the patients and determining what resources would be needed, I sat there with those children and held their hands, cuddled with the youngest, and helped to calm down Mom for nearly 10 minutes before EMS arrived.

I'd also like to point out the fact that I had no legal duty to act and was not required by current state legislation to stop and render aid. I did because I care AND because I have the training, the skills, the knowledge, the equipment, and the authority to provide emergency medical treatment to my fellow human beings.

As far as my other comment about hoping my shift is mellow....Have you ever worked in public safety? My guess is um, NO you haven't. If you have you'd understand that hoping we are busy is a double edged sword. If we hope to be busy, we are hoping tragedy upon our community. Because to get a "good" call (shooting, stabbing, bad wreck, heart attack, code, etc) that means something bad has happened to someone else.

What kind of fricking sadist would I be if I wished harm and tragedy on my community?

Now, with that said, just because I said that I didn't want to do anything doesn't mean that I wouldn't. Big difference, in my opinion. I ALWAYS do my job to the best of my ability, ALWAYS. And since you don't know me, you couldn't possibly have any idea how many times I've brought a patient "home" with me and cried over them. You don't have any idea how many times I see a patient's face as I close my eyes at night and attempt to sleep.

My partner and I assisted our local ER with the unexpected cardiac arrest of a school aged child earlier this year. We did chest compressions on this youngster for almost 2 hours, assisting while the doctors, nurses, and air medical crew valiantly tried to save this precious child's life. We did chest compressions even when it was clear that this child had already been cradled in the loving embrace of our Lord. We did chest compressions with tears running down our faces while Mom and Dad were brought back and realized the light of their lives was gone forever. After we returned the flight crew to their air craft, empty handed, our strong and stoic firefighters cried with me while our hearts broke for the loss of that child and for the parents who would go home mourning the death of their beloved child.

Until you have walked a 24 hour shift in my shoes, don't you dare tell me how I should think, feel, act, or write. Do you have a positive attitude towards your job 100% of the time? Are you always happy and upbeat when going to work? Do you never have second doubts about things that are happening at your place of employment?

And if you wreck your car with your three children, I will do everything I can to save your life and your children's lives because it is my PASSION and not just my job. I will do it because I care about serving my community and the people who live in it. I will do it because I provide medical care to my community without regard to your ability to pay, skin color, religion, infectious disease status, etc.

Please do not EVER question my dedication to my job again. It's insulting and demeaning. I would give my life for yours or your children's lives if it came down to it.

Car Wreck

On duty today.....I hope that things are mellow today. I truly don't feel much like working today.

I was driving to an appointment yesterday, going a route that I don't usually travel and came upon a car wreck involving an 18 wheeler and an older model station wagon full of people. Looks like the 18 wheeler lost control on the wet roads and t boned the other vehicle, causing it to roll over several times. Thank God everyone in that vehicle was buckled in or they all probably would have been ejected--especially the 3 little ones in the back seat.

It's strange to be the first one on the scene when I'm off duty. I don't usually stop because by the time I pass the accidents, there is usually law enforcement, EMS, and the FD already there. Thankfully, I didn't have to do anything really, other than help calm down the kids and Mom. Once EMS got there, I gave report to the crews and helped them get everyone loaded up and then I went on my merry way.

It poured here yesterday, we really needed the rain but I hate driving in it. It was so bad at one point that I about needed to pull over because the visibility was so low.

If there is anything that you my readers would like me to blog about, send me a message and let me know!

Have a safe day and be careful.

Please keep "Alex" and his family, especially his uncle in your prayers today.

Why can't I fix everything?

Is it an innate desire to help my friend or is it my co-dependent nature?

I have a friend, we'll call him "Alex". I've known Alex for about 5 years through work. Alex is married and has children. Several months ago, I discovered they were having marital issues. He was having a tough time and confided in me because he needed someone to talk to. I couldn't do much except listen and that felt totally inadequate.

Those of you who know me and know where I work know about some of the troubles going on at my place of employment. Due to privacy reasons, I am choosing not to disclose the difficulties. Simply because I want the freedom to share my thoughts in this blog without worrying about patient confidentiality issues or other disclosures. Suffice to say, there are major problems. And as they drag on and on without resolution, we wait for the other shoe to drop. This has stressed us all to the breaking point and Alex is no different. As one who has a supervisory position, Alex is exposed on a daily basis to the stressors in our management and he is burned out. Although I love my friend and he makes a valiant effort to continue to do his job, he is burned out from work and home life.

He went to the doctor the other day with chest pain and difficulty breathing. His blood pressure was through the roof. His doctor told him he was at a very high risk of having a stress related heart attack. He's barely 30 years old, he's way too young to have stress related illnesses.

Last night, another one of our units picked up Alex's uncle and had him airlifted to a larger hospital. He had a BP of 250/160 and was having a massive stroke. He is on a ventilator and is extremely critical. The doctors do not expect him to make it.

I think Alex is depressed. And really, who the hell wouldn't be? Just one thing is more than enough, add them all together and you really have a recipe for disaster. I worry about his mental and physical health. I want to wave my magic wand and fix everything. I want my happy, care- and worry-free, and fun loving friend back. I want my friend back who delights in beating my ass at ping pong (and then rubs my face in it). I want my friend back who always has my back. I want my friend back who I can laugh with, who I can spend hours sitting at the picnic table outside our station talking for hours about anything and everything.

I asked Alex this morning if he planned on doing anything "stupid". His incredibly non-reassuring response was, "Define stupid". Of course I'm concerned that he might try to hurt himself, to check out of life, and to leave behind all that is so painful. I worry about intentional bodily harm. I've already lost one person I love this year to suicide, I refuse to lose another.

I wish I could be a better friend and take away all of Alex's pain. I know however, that Alex working through all his pain and fears and frustrations will make him a better person and will make him stronger. And as painful as it is, I realize that I am being a better friend to him by supporting him and listening to him. I know that right now he needs someone who won't judge him, someone who will listen to him vent, and someone who will put their arms around him and hold him while he cries.

Please say a prayer for my friend tonight. He needs all the strength and wisdom that he can get.

Mixed Blessings

After months of begging, pleading, and documenting the shortcomings and failures of my paramedic partner, she FINALLY has been told that her standing orders have been pulled and she can no longer function as a paramedic by herself. She is back on probation and will be evaluated by the Lieutenant starting next shift.

I guess I should maybe give a little background info so y'all won't think I'm just a terrible person for being happy.

She's a new medic--had her license just over a year. She and I have been partners for about 6 months, but not by choice. We were forced to work together because no one else wanted to work with her. I promised myself that I would try to help her and I really and truly did. I tried---even though I didn't want to. I told myself that if she failed as a medic here it wouldn't be because I didn't try to help her. Apparently, I tried too hard because I wound up holding her hand and making up for her shortcomings. I made sure she didn't kill anyone and patiently answered all her questions.

Until she got a major attitude and didn't want help anymore. So I quit. Why should I waste my time and energy on someone who doesn't want or appreciate it? Screw that! I've got better things to do with my down time at the hall. Like sleeping or sleeping.....Then she started complaining about MY attitude....

Let's be perfectly clear, I'm not a saint in all this. I've rolled my eyes at her, I've talked bad about her (to the Captains only, though), I've gotten frustrated with her, and yes, I've been rude to her. BUT, I've never done any of that in front of a patient, family members, fire fighters, or other responders. That's so unprofessional that I can't even describe it.

A friend of mine passed away this summer after a courageous fight with melanoma. While I was out of state attending her memorial services, my partner took it upon her self to email several of the administrators and make terrible accusations about myself and our captain. The past three months have been pure HELL. I've barely spoken to her unless it directly relates to patient care and I was told to not do anything with her patients unless she was about to harm them. I've been pretty close to quitting my job due to the hostile work environment that she has created here with her behavior and her attitude.

So today, finally the first step was taken to terminating her. She'll be evaluated until either she passes muster or it's determined that she just can't be up to par. Nonetheless, I am no longer responsible for her actions or inactions....She is currently someone else's problem....And I anticipate that she won't make it which means that I'll never have to work with her again!

Those that have followed this for the past several months will truly understand how I feel and know that I'm not being just mean spirited. If you don't know me, then I'm sorry if you think I'm just being mean and cruel.

Keep checking back for the updated drama.....The next installment of "As the Light Bar Turns"

Giving Thanks

Today, take the time to give thanks for the blessings in your life. Someone out there ALWAYS has it worse than us. I know at times it's easy to get bogged down in the minute details of life, so make a list of all that life has given to you. It's easier to do this when you make a list of all that you are grateful for.

Here's my list. I challenge you to make your own.

• I'm grateful for my friends and the opportunity to get together with so many of them last month.
• I'm grateful for my family who always supports me, even if I'm wrong.
• I'm grateful for my job that gives me a paycheck and provides food and a roof over my head.
• I'm grateful for the internet, it keeps me connected to my friends and family who live far away.
• I'm grateful for my kitties, they keep my feet warm at night and help chase away loneliness and sorrow.
• I'm so incredibly grateful for my good health insurance policy.
• I'm grateful for my good health.
• I'm grateful for the chance to have known and loved two friends who passed away this year. One taught me how to live life with your whole heart, the other taught me how to be strong when faced with adversity.
• On a lighter note, I'm thankful for coupons and the Sunday paper/sales ads and the generous people who patiently taught me how to make my tight budget stretch further.

This holiday season, reach out to someone who has less than you. Open your heart and love. Be thankful for what you have.

Have a great Thanksgiving!

In loving memory of William Joseph and Amber Denise.

Life lessons learned....

You learn a lot of life lessons by watching other's misfortunes happen. Here are just a few. I hope that you will take these hints and tips with you and maybe, just maybe they will cause you to respond or react to a situation differently than you might normally.

• You DON'T always get a second chance to say what you mean to those that you love.
• Those whom you think that you know the best and whom you place your fragile trust in have the greatest ability to hurt you the worst.
• Life isn't fair.
• Bad things happen to good people.
• Life can change in an instant.
• Health insurance is a good thing.
• Say "I Love You" to the people you care about.
• Don't wait until tomorrow to say or do something important. Tomorrow might not come.
• Try not to have regrets. They just make you feel guilty.
• Pour your heart and soul into everything that you do.
• Love like you've never been loved before.
• Believe in yourself. You are stronger than you think!

If I wasn't already a vegetarian...

**Don't read if you've got a weak stomach. Lots of bodily fluids are present in this blog.**

I've decided that me and Dinty Moore beef stew (the nasty microwaveable kind) aren't friends.

I decided this after seeing it erupt out of a patient's mouth and both nostrils like Mt. Saint Helens. I didn't know the human body could produce such copious amounts of vomit. The smell was putrid and when combined with the other unpleasant odors of death, almost unbearable. I was pretty close to tossing my own cookies, right on her ample chest.

When her family called 911, she was in respiratory distress. When we got to the scene a few minutes later, she was blue and not breathing. While attempting to intubate her and secure an airway she vomited a little. When her heart finally stopped beating, the volcano erupted. She also lost control of her bladder and bowels.

Why do people always die in the smallest room in the house? This patient was found face down in the kitchen and between me and my partner, the fire department, my Captain, the patient, and our equipment, there was barely enough room to think. I distinctly remember the sight and sound of the vomit hitting the sides of the refrigerator as it first bubbled, then streamed out her nose.

I drilled a needle into her lower leg so that we could attempt to administer medications in order to try to restart her heart. She was a large woman and the needle barely made it through her flesh and into her bone marrow. We pushed 3 rounds of drugs and delivered her to the code team at the ED no worse off.

They managed to get a heartbeat back and were talking about admitting her when we left.
I felt dirty. It took an hour to clean our unit. The Dinty Moore made a reappearance during transport and wound up inside 2 of the cabinets. It also ended up on my pants, my pullover, in my hair, and on my boots. Nothing is more cleansing than throwing the nasty funky uniform in a bio hazard bag and taking a hot shower. Doesn't matter that it was 30 degrees outside and my hair would have frozen to my head if we had to go out again.

All that mattered is that I washed Dinty Moore down the drain.

I hope he never returns. I'm not sure I could take it again.

A few of my more memorable calls

I thought I'd share with you a few of my most memorable calls....

Earlier this year, getting dispatched to the sidewalk in front of the hospital for a female patient who had just given birth. Mind you, it's o' dark thirty in the morning and 20 degrees outside....

We arrived on scene and found a lady lying on the sidewalk, holding her newborn in her arms. We got her up off the sidewalk and into the back of the ambulance where she delivered the placenta. I clamped and cut the cord. After drying off the infant, we wrapped him up really well and I stuffed him under my pullover to try to get his body temp up. I stood with him in front of the heater and prayed for his core temp to come up. Other than being severely hypothermic, both Mom and baby eventually did fine.

We came to find out that this was the 5th child for this mother. She went into labor and Dad drove her to the hospital. Instead of dropping her off at the ER to go up to L&D, he parked in the parking garage. Well, she made it to the sidewalk when Junior decided he just wasn't waiting anymore.

I've worked numerous car wrecks where people should have been dead or seriously maimed and they walked away just fine! Mostly because they chose to wear their seat belts.

Then there is the patient who calls all the time for breathing problems and really she's lonely. I know the last time we had a city wide power outage, and we had to take her to the hospital because her air conditioner went out.....Uh, no kidding lady there's no power ANYWHERE in the city.

The saddest thing is people refusing care who really need to go. Several years ago I responded on a call, I don't even remember what the complaint was at the time. The patient absolutely refused to go. We did everything short of having him arrested and forcing him to go--We legally couldn't do that anyways as he was totally competent to make his own decisions. He looked horrible and had a significant history. He said he already had a doctor's appointment for the next day and just wanted to keep that. He signed a refusal and we left. 10 hours later, we were doing CPR on him as his family watched.

He COULD have been ok. He might have lived if he had gone to the hospital the night before when we were out there.

How about the patient who was trying to burn trash (hey man, watch this!) in a 55 gallon barrel and ended up with a fancy ride via LifeFlight helicopter to the burn unit at our local trauma center, with facial, airway, and chest burns.

The fact remains that as a prehospital provider, we are frequently given a unique glance into many aspects of peoples lives that they may not share with others. We also frequently see how stupidity equals job security...

Until next time!

I wish you could know-Poem

This is the poem that I promised to find and post for the Mamas.

I wish you could know

I wish you could know what it is like to search a burning bedroom for trapped children at 3 AM, flames rolling above your head, your palms and knees burning as you crawl, the floor sagging under your weight as the kitchen below you burns.

I wish you could comprehend a wife's horror at 6 in the morning as I check her husband of 40 years for a pulse and find none. I start CPR anyway, hoping to bring him back, knowing intuitively it is too late. But wanting his wife and family to know everything possible was done to try to save his life.

I wish you knew the unique smell of burning insulation, the taste of soot-filled mucus, the feeling of intense heat through your turnout gear, the sound of flames crackling, the eeriness of being able to see absolutely nothing in dense smoke - sensations that I've become too familiar with.

I wish you could understand how it feels to go to work in the morning after having spent most of the night, hot and soaking wet at a multiple alarm.

I wish you could read my mind as I respond to a building fire "Is this a false alarm or a working fire? How is the building constructed? What hazards await me? Is anyone trapped?"

Or to an EMS call, "What is wrong with the patient? Is it minor or life-threatening? Is the caller really in distress or is he waiting for us with a 2x4 or a gun?"

I wish you could be in the emergency room as a doctor pronounces dead the beautiful five-year old girl that I have been trying to save during the past 25 minutes. Who will never go on her first date or say the words, "I love you Mommy" again.

I wish you could know the frustration I feel in the cab of the engine, squad, or my personal vehicle, the driver with his foot pressing down hard on the pedal, my arm tugging again and again at the air horn chain, as you fail to yield the right-of-way at an intersection or in traffic. When you need us however, your first comment upon our arrival will be, "It took you forever to get here!"

I wish you could know my thoughts as I help extricate a girl of teenage years from the remains of her automobile. "What if this was my sister, my girlfriend or a friend? What were her parents reaction going to be when they opened the door to find a police officer with hat in hand?"

I wish you could know how it feels to walk in the back door and greet my parents and family, not having the heart to tell them that I nearly did not come back from the last call.

I wish you could know how it feels dispatching an officer, fireman and EMT out and when we call for them and our heart drops because no one answers back or to hear a bone chilling 911 call of a child or wife needing assistance.

I wish you could feel the hurt as people verbally, and sometimes physically, abuse us or belittle what I do, or as they express their attitudes of "It will never happen to me."

I wish you could realize the physical, emotional and mental drain or missed meals, lost sleep and forgone social activities, in addition to all the tragedy my eyes have seen.

I wish you could know the brotherhood and self-satisfaction of helping save a life or preserving someone's property, or being able to therein time of crisis, or creating order from total chaos.

I wish you could understand what it feels like to have a little boy tugging at your arm and asking, "Is Mommy okay?" Not even being able to look in his eyes without tears from your own and not knowing what to say.

Or to have to hold back a long time friend who watches his buddy having rescue breathing done on him as they take him away in the ambulance. You know all along he did not have his seat belt on. A sensation that I have become too familiar with.

Unless you have lived with this kind of life, you will never truly understand or appreciate who I am, who we are, or what our job really means to us... I wish you could though.

-author unknown-

What's the worst thing....?

***Warning Graphic content/language. Reader discretion advised.***

We almost slept all night last night. I knew we would have to get up at least once to take a patient back to her home, and we did. Other than that, we slept most of the night until shift change. My partner and I had a EMT student riding with us yesterday. They are almost done with school and our student did pretty well. He was successful in all his IV attempts and graciously accepted all of our suggestions.

The longer I've been in EMS the more I dread the question, "what's the worst thing you've seen?", "what's the grossest thing you've seen?", and "what's the worst call you've been on?" The longer that I do this job, the more I see and the less I want to share. Most people who don't work in public safety or medical careers just don't understand what we do. They want to hear the cool things but they aren't prepared to hear about body parts on the side of the road or doing CPR on a 3 week old child.

Phillip asked me about the worst call I've been on, and thank god we got interrupted because about a month ago, I worked a car wreck where my patient's brain were sprayed all over the back seat of the car like paint from a sprayer. I can still see my patient's face, crushed by the B post on the driver's side of the car. I found an eye ball about 15 feet from the car. My patient was so horribly disfigured, it was difficult to discern what was car and what was body parts. It was difficult to identify certain anatomical landmarks.

It is somewhat eerie to look into a person's nasal passages and see the inside of the back of their skull without anything in the way. It's just not natural and I lay in bed at night sometimes picturing his face and it makes it hard to sleep. This is the first time in my 7 year career that I've ever not talked about a call much. I know there was nothing that we could have done, I mean the patient was dead likely on impact. But it's the loss of life, especially when it is so violent that is what I mourn.

It's my job to provide treatment and transportation to patients requiring emergency care. I find sometimes that the strangest thoughts run through my mind when I work calls like this, a fatality MVC. I must protect the patient, their families, and the general public. The media, thank god was not pushy and stayed behind the crime scene tape set up by the highway patrol. The general public isn't prepared to see the kind of things that we do, the kind of things that haunt my dreams. It is my responsibility to protect the dignity of my patient, even in death, and to advocate for them when they have no voice.

So, as I found an eyeball on the side of the road and stepped over blobs of brain matter I found myself wondering, "How in the hell is the funeral home going to make him look good?" I hoped like hell that the family wouldn't insist on a viewing. I assumed they would have to make positive identification by fingerprinting or DNA testing since there weren't any facial features left.

About 30 minutes after being on scene, I began feeling dirty. All I could think about was getting back to the station and taking a long, hot shower. I wanted to wash all the funk off of me, the death lingering like a cloud of nasty perfume. I wanted to change my uniform and put on clean pants. I wanted to scrub the bottom of my boots to get all the blood and brain matter off the bottom of them.

And then I realized that I hadn't eaten lunch yet. I was hungry.

I don't know how often I'll write, but I've found that it helps to write my thoughts and feelings down. Patient information will be vague to protect my patient's privacy to the best of my ability. Names (if used) will be changed, scene locations and call information may be altered. Patients will be referred to using either gender reference, regardless of what their sex is.

This is my blog. I make no bones about the fact that there will be graphic content, sarcasm, and morbid humor that most won't understand. But, I'm writing this for my own sanity, not yours. If my writing bothers you, then please refrain from reading it. I'll post at the top of each blog if there is graphic content, that way you can decide to read or not, depending on your comfort level.

Contact me

Post a message on my guest book by clicking on the home page tab.


For privacy purposes and to keep my ass out of jail, I am not disclosing my true identity to the general public.


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A few of my favorite Sites

EMS Links

* IAFF--Fire/EMS union
* EMS Village
* Flight Web
* Field Medics
* Nat'l Association of EMTs
* Nat'l Registry of EMTs
* Nat'l Flight Paramedic Association
* EMT City
* EMS 1
* EMT Life
* Make your own Shift Calendar

Fire Links

* Firefighter Nation
* FireHouse
* Patriot Guard
* IAFF Fallen Fire Fighter Memorial

Other Links

* Annoying Coworker
* Become a BzzAgent
* Live, Laugh, Blog
* MySpace
* Pogo--A great game site
* St. Jude Children's Hospital
* The Breast Cancer Diaries
* The Last Soldier
* Visit my Mini City

About Me

I work somewhere in the continental United States as a Paramedic. I've been a medic for 4+ years and have been in the public safety field for almost 7.

I love my job, I can't imagine doing anything else.

My blogs are my own thoughts and feelings. They in no way reflect the opinion of my employer (past or present) or any organization or medical facility that I happen to be affiliated with.

Because the government believes that medical personnel doesn't do enough to protect the privacy of patients and has created the nightmare that I will call HIPPA, I disclose the following information:

Events portrayed as recent are not. The other day is a broad term meaning anytime within the author’s life. Also, "the other day" may refer to "last week", "a year ago", "just now", "earlier today", "last month", etc...You get the idea.

All case reports presented on these pages are composites of multiple patients with all identifying information changed to make the stories better…I mean for the sake of confidentiality.

Medical advice should only be obtained from your personal physician, not from an anonymous EMS blog.

Privacy Policy

This blog in no way collects or stores your personal information without your permission. Signing the guest book, leaving a comment, or sending me an email constitutes permission to publish your comments and/or information.

Disclosure Statement

This policy is valid from 02 November 2007

This blog is a personal blog written and edited by me. This blog does not accept any form of advertising, sponsorship, or paid insertions. I write for my own purposes. However, my blog may be influenced by my background, occupation, religion, political affiliation or life experience.

The owner of this blog will never receive compensation in any way from this blog.

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The owner of this blog would like to disclose the following existing relationships. These are companies, organizations or individuals that may have a significant impact on the content of this blog. I am a member of the International Association of Firefighters and my state Professional Firefighter Association. I've removed reference to the particular state to avoid any ability to trace who I am and to continue to enforce HIPPA.

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