Why I love the Father of my baby

Taken from my myspace blog:

During my latest (and surely not last) emotional breakdown, my partner in crime was so good to me. I was hysterical, and he was calm...And at that moment, I realized just how much I love him and this life that we've created together.

So call me sappy or whatever you want. Hey, I'm pregnant, I can be as emotional as I want to be!!!

1. The night I started throwing up and we thought we might be pregnant, his response is not fit for some of the people on my friends list. But he has never made me feel that this is "my" pregnancy or that I'm going through this alone. Even before we took a home pregnancy test, he said "we'll take a test". He has never ONCE made me feel like I am doing this alone.

2. When the hysterical crying starts, my sweet man puts his arms around me and holds me and tells me how much he loves me and that everything will be ok. And when I'm bitchy, he just shuts up because he knows it will pass.

3. I simply can't put into words his reaction when the pee stick showed two lines. Really it is something that should be submitted to America's Funniest Home Videos.

4. This is a first child for both of us and so neither of us really know what to expect. It's truly the blind leading the blind and it is really quite comical at times.

5. Daddy came my first doctor's appointment and wants to come to them all. He wants to be involved.

6. He cried when I told him that I wanted to name our child after his mother (who passed away several years ago) if we have a girl.

7. He is a die hard and passionate Cubs fan...To the bitter end.

8. He makes me cry.

9. He makes me laugh.

10. He has a gentle spirit and kind heart.

11. I love him even more because he is the father of my child. I know that he is going to be an amazing Daddy and my heart is happy.

12. He talks about wills and life insurance and who would take care of our little monkey if something happened to both of us.

13. He loves my cooking. Even if sometimes I think it's terrible.

14. He is not afraid to be vulnerable with me.

15. I love the father of my child because he is an amazing man...and I find something daily that reminds me of this.

16. Forehead kisses.

I grow more and more in love with you daily, baby. You are an amazing man and I love you so much.

You know you're in the ghetto when...

The sign next to the toliet in the dialysis clinic says:

Please do not flush your Tampons, pregnancy tests, or Kotex down the toilet.


Gross. Although I had to call my best friend and tell her about it. I made her snort.


I love my job.

A frank talk about AIDS

AIDS....everyone is afraid of "catching" it when in reality it would be easy for it to affect all of us.

AIDS--Ambulance Induced Divorce Syndrome. Those of you in the business know exactly what I'm talking about. It's the reason that we have a 60-70% divorce rate in public safety/EMS/Fire. It's the reason that my brothers and sisters in EMS lose their families and their lives TWO to THREE times more frequently than the rest of the married people in the United States.

The sad fact is that while we are out saving lives and protecting the public, our marriages and home lives are falling apart at the seams. The long hours, being subject to recall during a disaster, the stress of what we see on a daily basis all takes a toll on our marriages. Sometimes I think it helps if we have a spouse in the same field, sometimes I think it makes it worse.

I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. Some I made knowing that I was making them. Many I found out after I made them. All I learned something from. My first marriage died a slow painful death because we both neglected it. We grew apart and didn't know it was happening at the time. Paramedic school and a move across the country didn't help, either. By the time we realized we were in trouble, it was too late.

We tried counseling. But my ex didn't understand the long hours at work, the fact that I spent more time with the opposite sex at work than at home, that sometimes bad shit happened at work that I didn't want to talk about with my spouse. I wanted to talk about it with people who knew how I felt when I did CPR on a 3 week old. It's hard to explain that to someone who doesn't do the same job. It's sometimes more painful to talk about it than it is to be with others who have been on the call with you.

I've made a lot of mistakes. I lost my marriage and my career over some of those mistakes. I've been single for 4 years because of some of those choices I've made. But I understand now that some of those choices and mistakes lead to the best thing that life has to offer. I never would have known what I was made of if I hadn't been through the past few months worth of trials in my personal life. I never would have met the love of my life and the person that I want to share and spend the rest of my life with if I hadn't had to go through the past few months alone, wondering if I was going to be ok and worrying about paying my mortgage and my bills.

I know that everything happens for a reason. It's believing in that until the reasons show up and smack you in the face that takes some getting used to.

I don't know what the answer is to the AIDS epidemic facing our nation's first responders. I do know that sympathy AND empathy from our loved ones is needed. We will talk when we are ready, don't push us to spill our feelings. Sometimes it takes us a bit longer to process those feelings and thoughts.

Please don't accuse of of having an affair with every member of the opposite sex that we work with. That lack of trust slowly erodes our desire to come home and be faithful. The lack of faith in our responsibilities to our families and our marriages slowly eats away until we are tired of being accused of things that we aren't doing.

It is our responsibility as providers to take care of ourselves FIRST. We can't take care of others if we aren't in top shape. I've learned that the hard way. We must ask for help and be willing to accept it when it's offered.

Don't let AIDS affect your life and your family. Protect yourself.

Good News!!!!

Praise the Lord for good news at the doctor's appt yesterday!!!

My friend's child does not have cancer, although the symptoms are still not explained and they do not have a diagnosis to fight and get angry at.

Back to regular blogging this next week.

Please keep my friends in your prayers

I rarely do this but I am worried to death and since I have readers all over the country and the world I figured that more prayers can't hurt.

Some friends of mine and their young son have been through hell and are almost back.

Please keep them in your prayers--they should have more answers by the end of this week.

Thanks.

When the rescuer becomes a patient

We had just left the station and our truck smelled really badly like exhaust. It was raining so we cracked the windows a tad and turned on the air conditioner. About 15 minutes later, I started feeling really sick to my stomach and my partner had a really bad headache. Neither of us had eaten that day so we stopped to get food and get out of the truck for a bit.

When we got back in the truck to go standby, I felt more and more sick and my partner noticed that my lips were turning white and my the skin on my face and arms was getting mottled looking. She called the supervisor and we went back to the station. I promptly ran to the bathroom and puked my guts up.

One of the supervisory people asked what was going on and we told her. She ordered me to lay down and told me to put on an oxygen mask or she would do it for me. I passed out in the truck for about 15 minutes with a NRB strapped to my face. I got up much peppier that I had been earlier, still nauseated and feeling ill, but much better.

We figured out that they had been doing maintenance on another truck and ours was running while they worked on the exhaust and changed the manifold on the other truck. All the exhaust got sucked into our unit and BAM! we wound up with carbon monoxide poisoning.

Friday night, I felt awful and sucked a few more hours of o2 down before going home. At dinner, my date said that I seemed "off" and he said my eyes rolled back in my head a few times and I skipped a few beats, but otherwise, he said I seemed ok. Yesterday, I felt like I had a hangover but I hadn't been drinking at all. I still felt a little "off" but otherwise I was OK, I guess. Today, I woke up feeling great and back to normal.

This is just a friendly reminder that we, as rescuers, are NOT invincible and are at risk for the same illness and injuries that our patients are. I was lucky. I could have gotten much sicker. Fortunately, I had an astute partner who saved my butt from a much worse fate.

From the archives of my EMS brain

I am trying to be better about blogging. I know that I will fail miserable if I commit to once a day, so I'm going for whenever I can remember.I have a couple to write about Medic school that were requested but other than that, when I think of something to blog, I'm going to do it!

Here, for your reading pleasure, from the archives of my EMS brain:

I had been an EMT basic for about 3 months, working in a small transport company out west trying to get my feet wet. I loved my job and was still a little (ok, well, a LOT) idealistic about how EMS worked.

We were dispatched one day to the large trauma hospital to transfer a patient to another hospital for an inpatient stay. We arrived at the ED and the nurse looked over at my partner and the trainee (both men) and said to me, "I am glad they sent a female." For a minute I was a little stunned because usually I was ignored for the boys, but ok if she was glad to see me, then so be it.

"Your patient is a 72 year old female who lived alone in a townhouse. She had someone doing some odd jobs for her and some gardening and the like. 4 days ago, after she thought that he had left, he rang the doorbell and said he forgot something. After she let him in, he barricaded the two of them in the house, locking her in the upstairs bedroom. For three days, he drank all her alcohol, destroyed her house, and viciously raped her. He cut her phone lines so she couldn't make a call for help. He stole all her money and beat her."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. This lady was my grandmother's age and I nearly had a fit thinking of someone doing that kind of thing to my granny.

The nurse continued, "She begged him to let her go and he would just laugh at her and hit her again. By some grace of God, she managed to escape when he finally fell asleep after binging on alcohol for 3 days. She went to the neighbors house and they called 911. When she got here, she was beaten, bruised, and broken."

With disgust, she also said, "He even bit her breast and took a chunk out of it."

Well with all that, I was about ready to burst into tears. I put my happy face on and steeled my resolve to make her feel secure and safe while in my care.

I listened to her and told her that she didn't have to say a single word if she didn't want to. I held her hand and let her talk. I hope that I showed her some compassion and love.

After we dropped her off, I was beyond words. I am not ashamed to admit that I cried for her. For the sweet woman whose sense of security was shattered. And for the loss of my EMS innocence that day.